Can You See Me Crying?
by Empress Dots
Summary: Laguna-centered fic. When Laguna finds out about Julia's death, he decides to take a trip to Winhill to see Raine. Only more tragedy awaits him there... PG13 for language, spoiler warning. Major angst and drama withsome typical Laguna humor stirred in.


*reads off a sheet of paper* All FF8 characters, scenarios, and music are owned by SQUARESOFT and SONY. *looks up* Does that sound like me to you?  
  
Ummm . . . spoiler warnings. Big time. Be warned.  
  
Now read it already.  
  
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He read it in the newspapers that Kiros brought him.  
  
"Famous singer killed in car accident," said the Galbadian Times. "Pop idol killed, daughter survives," the Deling City Tribune read. And even Timber Maniacs had an article on it. "Drunk driving accident kills Caraway's wife."  
  
He refused to believe it for a time. It was a different singer, he told himself, a different pop idol. Caraway's ex-wife. It wasn't her. It couldn't be her.  
  
But next to every article was a picture of a beautiful woman, with the small word "Heartilly" printed underneath it. And every article spoke of how Julia Heartilly had died from some idiot who got plastered and ran a red light into the side of her car. How her daughter Rinoa was the only one who survived the horrible accident, how General Caraway was left with a young daughter to raise without his wife. How she would be missed by her hundreds of adoring fans.  
  
He stayed in his room for the rest of the day, not even answering the door to let Kiros and Ward in. His attendant brought him a meal in the evening, just to see that his lunch was still lying untouched next to his locked bedroom door. Kiros pounded on the door, demanding that Laguna let him in immediately. Ward tried to break the door down, but Kiros stopped him when he heard Laguna softly say through the wood,  
  
"Leave me alone. I have a lot to think about."  
  
Laguna returned to his bed and sat down, continuing his task of ripping up each and every newspaper in his vicinity. Tears were streaming down his cheeks as he tore over and over, into tiny little pieces, tinier yet, like confetti. Snow falling through the thick Esthar air.   
  
Julia was dead.  
  
Dead. Her funeral was on Monday in the Deling City graveyard. She had been driving home from a concert with her little girl, Rinoa, and a drunken idiot had run a red light. He slammed into the side of the car, the papers said, into the driver's side, where Julia sat. The car had rolled twice, and Julia was already dead by the time the paramedics were able to free her from the debris.  
  
Her daughter, the witness to her love with Caraway and not Laguna himself, had survived. Lost years! Lost time! What the hell had been wrong with him? Why didn't he go back to Deling City after his recovery in Winhill?   
  
All the lost years weighed on his mind as heavily as barbells. You could have had her. She could have been your wife. You wouldn't have let this happen to her, would you?  
  
Damn you, Caraway! She's dead, and where were you? Off at some meeting! They probably couldn't get ahold of you to let you know she died!  
  
The tears continued coursing down Laguna's cheeks as he turned the blameful thoughts away from General Caraway. Much as he hated the man, he couldn't keep blaming Caraway for Julia's untimely death. Instead, his mind targeted a different man. Himself.  
  
She could have been in your protective arms, Laguna Loire, but where were you? Dawdling in Winhill! Meddling in Esthar! On a wild-goose chase for some girl who's not even your flesh and blood!  
  
Dawdling in Winhill? That wasn't right. Laguna lifted one hand slightly and looked at the silver band that adorned his finger. He had been with Raine. That's why he hadn't left.  
  
Oh, Hyne, Raine! He hadn't seen her in forever! As soon as he had found Ellone, he had sent her back to Winhill. But it had been years now. Ellone was probably ten or eleven. And Raine . . .  
  
"I need to see Raine," he whispered. She was his real wife, not Julia. He was almost anticipating the look she would give him, the lecture he would get on staying away for so long, the furrowed eyebrows over her water-blue eyes. And then, there would be Ellone, jumping up and down and screeching, "Uncle Laguna, Uncle Laguna!"  
  
Another thought occurred to him, and he paused.  
  
Raine had been three months pregnant when he had left Winhill to look for Ellone. Three months along, with his child in her belly.  
  
That child would be five or six. Damn it all, what was he wasting time around here for? He had a son in Winhill who didn't have a father! A wife without her husband!  
  
Kiros looked up as Laguna's door slid open and the tousled-looking president stepped out. His hair was in thick brown knots, and his face was red. Kiros, however, had learned from years of being with Laguna that sometimes it was best to say nothing.  
  
"I'm going to Winhill," Laguna said, closing his door behind him. "Where's my jacket?"  
  
"Laguna, are you sure?" Kiros asked. "It's been years, man, and Raine will have a conniption!"  
  
"Aw, it's all right!" Laguna replied with a strained laugh. "I'm actually looking forward to the conniption. Go get Ward. I've got to tell my advisor that I'm taking a leave of absence." He continued to laugh, despite himself. "All those special terms they want me to use are so stupid! I have to take a leave of absence,' not just blow this joint.' Ridiculous!" He blew his long bangs out of his green eyes. "Anyway, go get Ward. I'm going to put on somewhat of a disguise so I don't get mobbed or mugged or whatever the hell my advisor worries will happen to me. Meet me at the train station.  
  
"But the train doesn't run anymore, Laguna. We'd have to cross the Great Salt Lake and walk to Fisherman's Horizon."  
  
"So be it. There can't be too many monsters there. And from Fisherman's Horizon, we'll take the train to Winhill."  
  
"The train doesn't run that way either. Galbadia's shut itself off from FH. Actually," Kiros contemplated, "it's more like the other way around. FH and their pacifism, one might say.But that's a long way to walk, Laguna, all the way to Galbadia and all the way down the tracks to the next station. Are you sure?"  
  
Laguna and Kiros made eye contact for one long minute before Kiros sighed and stood up."I'll go get Ward, then. If you're sure, I mean, if you're absolutely sure--"  
  
"I am." With that, Laguna vanished into his office. Through the glass doors, Kiros watched as the attendant greeted the president and offered him a stack of papers. The papers were refused, Laguna was saying something, the advisor's face was falling, he was replying as his eyebrows drew together--  
  
At that point, Kiros left, not wanting to see or hear the argument that would ensue. Ward, as it turned out, was right outside the door.  
  
"Get your coat, Ward. We're going to Winhill."  
  
Ward glanced up at Kiros, his eyes clearly portraying his confusion.  
  
"Because Laguna insists on it."  
  
At this, Ward's eyes widened and he gritted his teeth.  
  
"Yeah, I know Raine will have a fit, but he doesn't seem to care. And we are his friends, so--"  
  
Ward began silently laughing, knocking on his head with one fist and grinning.  
  
"Yes. That's right, Ward. We've got to make sure he doesn't get himself lost or killed or anything like that."  
  
Ward vaguely gestured toward the presidential office.  
  
"Hell, Ward, I know that! Yes, he's the president of Esthar, but he's our friend as well, isn't he?"  
  
Ward glared at his slimmer friend.  
  
". . . Sorry, Ward. I didn't mean to get mad at you like that." Kiros shrugged into his long, black coat, tossing back his braids as he did so. "I told him we'd meet him at the train station. Apparently we're walking to Winhill."  
  
Another widening of the eyes, along with an incredulous look at Kiros.  
  
"That's what I told him, but does HE listen? Nooooo!"  
  
**********************  
  
"Hey guys, it's me."  
  
Ward glanced up and quickly drew back. His small eyes had practically doubled in size, and with confusion in his eyes he pointed at the President of Esthar.  
  
"My thoughts exactly! What the hell happened to you, Laguna?" Kiros demanded. "Your face looks like it lost a fight with my katal!"  
  
"Some of my aides have very sharp fingernails." Laguna sat down next to his friends on the bench. It was on the very edge of Esthar City, overlooking the Great Salt Lake. He had tied his long brown-black hair into a ponytail, wearing a heavy coat over something that by all looks was blue, but was stained with red and brown and stank like no one's business.  
  
"Ugh!" Kiros plugged his nose. "What is that?"  
  
Laguna grinned. "I never did let Raine get rid of it, no matter how gross she said it was."  
  
"You mean that-that"--Kiros struggled to find a word--"that thing is your old Galbadian uniform?"  
  
"Minus the armor, of course."  
  
"Laguna, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that's sick!"  
  
Laguna pulled a Deling City Falcons baseball cap over his green eyes. "Well, this way everyone will stay away from me, right? Less chance of getting caught."  
  
"Everyone will stay away from you, including us!" Kiros said, making a face and keeping his nose plugged. "One might think you would have washed that thing before wearing it in public!"  
  
Ward had his own nose covered, and was glaring at Laguna with fire in his eyes. He mouthed a few words and with his free hand made a cutting motion over his throat. Laguna's eyes widened, and he turned to Kiros.  
  
"What did he just say?!"  
  
"Need I even tell you?" Kiros asked, grinning. He stood and slapped Laguna on the back."So be it, man, but as soon as we get to a decent town we're getting you some civilian clothes!"  
  
"All right!" Laguna stood up, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jacket. "About time, too! You don't know how sick I get of those monkey suits they make me wear!"  
  
The three set off into the lake, chatting idly amongst themselves. Ward was shaking his head and continually covering his nose, while Kiros laughed as Laguna told Ward over and over to stop it.  
  
The sunset glared at their backs as they walked.  
  
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"The train to Dollet, Timber, Deling City and Winhill is now departing. All passengers please come aboard."  
  
Ward was the first to enter the cabin, sitting down and shaking his head. Laguna followed, scratching the back of his neck, and Kiros was last. Apparently, he was the reason for Laguna's embarrassment.  
  
"Three thousand gil is not that much, Laguna!" Kiros said, still standing in the doorway as Laguna sank onto the bench on one side of the cabin. "One would think that a president would carry a bit of money with him!"  
  
"One would think a president could get a bit of peace!" Laguna countered.  
  
"Mark my words, I'm never paying for anything for you ever again!" Kiros finally sat down, his thin arms folded over his black button-up shirt. He had picked it up in FH after a nasty incident with a monster in the Great Salt Lake. Laguna had gotten some "real clothing" as well; he now wore a green shirt with blue stripes and a folded-over collar, along with some jeans.   
  
He was still upset about the extravagant "ceremony" Kiros and Ward had held for his old Galbadian army uniform: Kiros had whistled a very off-key rendition of "Taps," while Ward lowered the uniform into the water very slowly, then rose and put a hand over his heart. Kiros followed suit after finishing his song, then gave a short speech about how the uniform had been loyal and true, and how it would never be forgotten. After that, the two had proceeded to drop a very heavy train rail on top of it, figuring that FH had no use for the rails if they didn't have any trains.  
  
But smelly and stained as it had been, Laguna had loved his uniform.  
  
"My wallet was in my uniform," he said, giving Kiros one of his famous "looks." "So it's not really my fault that I don't have any money."  
  
Ward raised his eyebrows, and Kiros voiced the thoughts of the two. "Well, Laguna, why didn't you take your wallet out of the uniform before we buried it?"  
  
Laguna tilted back his head onto the top of the bench and said nothing.  
  
"The train will depart shortly," the voice on the intercom said. Less than a minute later, the trio felt the engine rumble into life. Another few minutes, and a massive quaking under their feet confirmed that the train had begun to move.  
  
Laguna snored.  
  
**********************  
  
"Laguna, wake up. We've only got ten minutes, man, so get up." Kiros shook Laguna's shoulder as Ward stood up and stretched. There was no luggage to grab, since the three had left Esthar with nothing but the clothes on their backs and their weapons. Kiros was already carrying his katal in a protective case under one arm, and Ward had strapped his harpoon in a leather case across his back. Laguna's machine gun was under the seats, concealed in a briefcase so he could carry it through FH without getting in trouble.  
  
Ward gestured, making Kiros step aside, and ever-so-gently placed his hands on the sleeping Laguna's shoulders. He took along, deep breath, and proceeded to shake Laguna like a dog would worry a bone.  
  
"Aaaaaaah!" Laguna was apparently awake now. "Waaaaaaard! Youuuuu can stoooooop noooooow!" His voice wavered as the larger man continued to shake him back and forth.  
  
Ward stopped at last and leaned back with a wide smile on his face, making another gesture to Kiros, who nodded. Laguna leaned back again, his green eyes spectacularly wide. He was breathing hard and staring at the ceiling, unmoving.  
  
Kiros retrieved his "briefcase" and tossed it into Laguna's lap. "We'd better get moving to the front of the train, Laguna, we've only got five minutes or so until we get to Winhill."  
  
"One minute," Laguna said. "I need to make the world stand still first."  
  
They waited for two minutes before Ward pulled Laguna to his feet and dragged him to the door of the train. Shortly afterward, the train screeched to a halt at the Winhill Station, which was about a mile away from Winhill itself.   
  
The three got off the train and began walking as the sun rose higher over the morning sky. It had risen sometime during the long train ride, and was now warming the landscape with its light.  
  
Surprisingly, no monsters attacked them on the way to Winhill from the train station. Laguna managed to stain his new shirt, however, when he missed his mouth with his can of cola. They chatted casually as they headed into the village, Laguna mourning the loss of a perfectly good shirt to the ravages of cola-kind while Kiros chuckled and joked about how he managed to do that to every new shirt he bought. Ward would gesture, Kiros would translate, and they would laugh some more.  
  
The moment they walked into Winhill, they fell quiet.   
  
It was like hundreds of people were staring at them from every direction possible; like they had somehow destroyed the town just by entering. Kiros and Ward looked around, wondering exactly what was giving them the chills but seeing no one who could be watching them so hatefully.  
  
"Laguna, where are all the people?" Kiros asked.   
  
"Oh, they don't like me here, remember?" Laguna said, starting to walk forward and deeper into the village. "To be honest, I'm surprised they remember who I am. They're probably all inside."  
  
"You don't think they know you're . . ." Kiros trailed off.  
  
"No, Kiros, nobody knows my occupation. My job's location likes to keep itself rather closed off, remember? Besides, they would like me even less if they knew."   
  
Laguna led the way down the dirt roads and pathways of Winhill to the very back of town, where one house loomed over the others like a hen would with her chicks. There was an almost frightening feeling about the place, like thousands of voices were screaming, "Get out! Get out!"  
  
"Raine!" he sang, walking to one of the smaller houses and opening the door. "Raine! It's me, Laguna! I'm back!" He walked further into the bar, letting Kiros and Ward enter as well, and looked around. "Raine?"  
  
"What are you doing in my house?" A woman had come down the stairs, her hair long and shining white-blonde. She was wearing a long pink dress, and her green eyes were anything but welcoming.  
  
"Your house?" Laguna looked up at the woman. "Where's Raine?"  
  
The woman shook her head and snarled, "Don't joke like that. Now get out of my house!"  
  
"I'm not joking. I just want to know where Raine is. Do you know?"  
  
"You should know, you lousy thief!" the woman said, coming a bit further down the staircase. "Coming into our city, destroying our lives, destroying hers with all your big-city talk and ideas!" Her voice was getting louder and harsher by the second. "Making her think she was in love with you, our poor Raine with no one to care about! Making her think you loved her, and then leaving just before--!" She was yelling now. "And you, of all people, want to know where she is? Check the graveyard! Then you'll see, won't you?!"  
  
Laguna's smile crumpled away from his face, his eyes widened, his whole face became as white as Raine's flowers. "What?" he whispered, his voice hoarse. "The graveyard?"  
  
"The cemetery!" The woman yelled, coming the rest of the way down and glaring up at Laguna. "She's dead, and it's all your fault, you outsider, you idiot, you--you--soldier! She died in childbirth! Bled to death! And where were you?"  
  
Laguna looked not at the woman, but at the wooden floor. "I wanted to be here," he said, "I would have given the world to be here with her, but--"  
  
"But?" the woman barked. "She was your wife, and she died giving birth to your son!"  
  
"And as for my son?" Laguna whispered. Kiros took a step forward and put one of his hands on Laguna's shoulder.  
  
"Dead as well!" the woman sniffed. "Never was actually born!And even if he was, outsider, he'd be raised well! In other words, away from you!"  
  
"What about Ellone?" Kiros saw the tears forming in Laguna's eyes.  
  
"At an orphanage somewhere," the woman said. "But what do you care? Not like you were around to be her father, were you?"  
  
"I--" Laguna started to say something, but gave up after the first word. He continued to gaze at the floor.  
  
"If that's all, then I'd like for you all to get out of my house."  
  
Laguna turned and walked out of the house, past the mansion, into the rolling hills that surrounded Winhill. Kiros and Ward followed, neither one of them making any movement to comfort their friend. A small cemetery was nestled in the hills, though it had only a few headstones in it.  
  
Laguna found one and sank to the ground before it, still quiet and stiff. It was only a few moments before his body and heart gave way. He began to sob, shaking and trembling, burying his face in the grass as one hand traced the letters of his wife's name. His tears speckled the ground below him, his fingers dug into the dust and grass.  
  
Kiros watched. "I'll pay for his train ticket back," he said quietly to Ward. Ward did nothing but continue to watch Laguna.  
  
"Raine!" Laguna cried. "Oh, Hyne, Raine, you can't be dead! We were going to be husband and wife--grow old together--have children and grandchildren--" He was desperately echoing Raine's dreams from so long ago. "What about my ring? Our rings, Raine? Are you buried with your ring on?" He let himself collapse in his sobs. "Raine . . . Can you see me crying, Raine? Can you comfort me? Oh, Hyne, I love you, Raine. . . ."  
  
After along while, he finally stood and began walking toward the train station again. At the loading dock, he fumbled in his pockets to find nothing, then gave up and stepped back. It was Ward who paid for his ticket and gently urged him onto the train.   
  
He slept in the cabin, but this time his dreams were not pleasant.  
  
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[Laguna's Point-of-View]  
  
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It's been another twelve years since then, and I still don't know why I ever believed the words that woman said to me. All the people of Winhill hated me, despised me; why wouldn't they lie to make sure I could never find him?  
  
It didn't work.  
  
He's standing in front of me right now. Squall Leonhart, he calls himself.   
  
Hyne, he looks just like her. He has the same soft brown hair, the same blue eyes, but something about them is hard. It's like a part of him is dead.  
  
Ellone explained that to me once, something about how she was everyone's big sister in the orphanage, how it affected her real little brother the most when she left. Ironically, it was at about the same time that I was looking in Winhill for those two and Raine.  
  
He's my son, and he's in love with Rinoa Heartilly, Julia's daughter.  
  
Ironic how fate works, isn't it? Since Julia and I were never able to be together, now our children are.  
  
"Let's talk when this is over," I tell him. "I have a lot to talk to you about."  
  
"Whatever," he says, turning away and walking back toward the cockpit of the Ragnarok. As he leaves, Ward and Kiros turn and look at me.  
  
"Laguna--he's?" Kiros asks, not even needing to finish his question.  
  
I nod, and look at the ring that I still wear around my finger.  
  
Maybe this is Raine's form of the comfort I never received all those years ago.  
  
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You know the drill. Review. And check outmy other fics if you like. 


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